MERRY CHRISTMAS!


can't say that this is the most wonderful christmas i'm having tho...


ahhh, christmas, it only comes once in a year, no? and every year, we wait impatiently for it and for what? the presents. the spirits. the gatherings. i guess most of you would be enjoying your christmas with your families and all that, christmas gatherings(: this christmas, it's definitely not a very happy christmas. firstly, i got rudely woken up at ten this morning, (after i slept at around four this morning). like hey, i need my sleep. anyway, the christmas lunch (it was supposed to be dinner, but my parents, who are taking advantage of this holiday, are having FUN with other people, while us kids, basically, are NOT having fun. are my sentences funny?) was okay. back. right, so... this year, my mom decided we were not going christmas shopping. usually, my aunt would give us some money and go shopping with us, but not this year, my mom said from this year on, we weren't going anymore shopping. so today was a real disappointment. anyway, my mom was using the computer, i was smsing a whole lot of people. then darryl asked my mom if he could use the computer. mommy said yes, but he had to help her sort letters first. so darryl let me use the computer while he was sorting the letters. my mommy went downstairs. so after that, darryl started crying for no fucking reason. and saying 'it's so unfair, why you can use i cannot use?' and in the first place he let me use the fucking computer. so... he went down to mommy's room after sorting the letters and started complaining about me. like what the fuck did i do? and he started telling her an exxaggerated version of his side of the story. and as usual, my mommy believed him. and blam, my fault. my mommy stormed out of her room and started scolding me, like going 'why you always like to bully your brother? why can't you not fight with him? i already told you, you only have one brother, so don't bully him. and i let him use the computer, why did you use the computer then? he asked first, so why did you use it?' as usual, it's always my fucking fault. it's always 'DAPHNE! stop fighting with your brother, you know blablablablabla...' it's never 'DARRYL! stop fighting with your sister!' so... i was like 'FINE.' and i logged off and went to my room. and i can't remember. i think i went to sleep.

this christmas just involves: daphne, daphne's claustrophobic thoughts, and sleep. before i went to sleep, i was thinking. thinking about alot of things. some of the things were like reflecting. others were about how it was always my fault. while i was in bed, i was thinking about my attitude.before i slept.

i finally came to a conclusion: i have many faces. take this: if i'm a leader of some group, i treat my groupmates with more authority, and maybe without realising, somewhat bossy. Since the term "leader" was placed on my shoulders, i realise that should the project go awry, do badly, most fingers would be pointed at me, since "leader" is me. and less fingers towards the groupmates. or perhaps i just want good grades.

next, towards my friends. in this case, i play the happy role, the person who never shows any emotion other than, well, happiness. i guess this is cause it is easier to fit in this way, happy people are easier to talk to, to be friends with. i try not to show my emotions other than happiness, like sadness, disappointment, and course, anger. i'm the playful one. i'm the happy one. i'm the person who's always laughing. but have my friends thought about how i really feel? sad, angry, confused? i don't know. i don't know if they really care about me, or if they are just pretending to be my friends for some reason. are my friends really my friends? or are they just faking it, faking it for some reason? maybe all of you don't realise it, i'm insecure. but i've mastered the trick of ignoring my insecurity, and instead, trusing people. maybe that's why some of my "friends" aren't actually my friends. maybe they take advantage of my trusting them and then they betray me. first they act all friendly, and next, you never know, they talk about you on their blog. if you think this is you, it's not. it's someone from rgps. back to the subject. i'm the talkative one, i'm the one who laughs at everything. but i don't know, maybe i'm doing all this just to fit in, cause the real me is very hard to adjust to. the real me is extremely angry. the real me is just sad. I would not like to be seen alone for the fact that I preferred to belong. because when i belong, it brings on a sense of security. my friends seldom see me crying, but do they think, do i have my weak moments? i don't know, maybe it's my fun exterior so people assume i'm a happy person, i'm a human who never cries.

on the other hand, my family. in my family, i do not belong. i'm the odd one out. i'm the weird person. take this: my mommy, daddy, sister and brother have detached earlobes. i have attached earlobes. and darryl takes pleasure in teasing me that i'm not from this family, that i was an adopted child. maybe when he says that in a joking way, it hurts more than if he said it in a serious way. maybe when he says i i just smile and shrug it away, but inside, i feel even more terrible, i'm reminded even more that i don't belong, that i'm the odd one out. when my parents say it jokingly, i hurt even more. cause if it was my bro, i would understand, he's a kid. but even my parents? even when they say it jokingly i have to turn away so i don't cry. so they don't see me crying. this fact only helps more in hurting me, it only helps more in reminding me that i do not belong here. sometimes i wonder: is there anybody out there who really cares?

so now i'm moving on to the next topic: DAPHNE's fault. i've been thinking alot... and every fight = Daphne's fault. my parents never give me a chance to explain, they never even look at my "angelic" brother. they just go 'you like to bully your brother right?' and right now? i am very very sick of it. every fucking thing is my fault. every fucking quarrel is my fault. evern fucking fight is my fault. why don't they give me a fucking chance to explain? why don't they give me a fucking chance for once and listen to me? why do they only listen to my oh-so-angelic brother? maybe my parents don't love me as much as they say they do, maybe they're just saying it for the sake of saying it. they always say they love the three of us equally, but somehow, they always succeed to make me feel like they love me the least. and they always succeed to make me feel like my bro is the most precious. i know it's cause he's the youngest, blablabla, he's the only boy, he's the fucking heir or whatever, but still... do you have to blame me for every fucking thing he does? no. so i wanna thank you guys sososososo much for making me feel unwelcome.

right, i'm pissed. so i won't post anymore, cause i'll only succeed in making myself more mad. ask if you don't mind listening to my complaining though.

VANESSA: oh, alrights, and merry christmas.
MAXINE: yes, hey dear. haha, and merry christmas.
AMANDA: huh, did i say your post was long? but anyway, merry christmas.
WENDI: oh yeah, very small, but we one room 3 people can share(: Merry christmas!
PASSER-BY: uh, random survey sites and some blogs.
JANELLE: i like small tagboards... LOL, merry christmas, and don't feel sad anymore.
AMANDA AND WENDI: yes, merry christmases(: